I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
