Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
