i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
