How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
