Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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