Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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