im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
