I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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