i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
