is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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