Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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