Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
