When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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