Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
