Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
