it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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