Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
