you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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