I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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