John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
