oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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