Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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