I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
