My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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