i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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