No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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