Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
