Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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