in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
