2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
