I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
