I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
