His pubic hair was longer than his dick
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We have so much sex to catch up on
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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