every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
