My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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