Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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