Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
