they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
