I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
