just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
