god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
