Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I did not marry a roomba.
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