I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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