Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
