fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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