batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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