last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
