I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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