I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
