Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
