So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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